Broken Hearts and Empty Arms

Spring is here!

2009-03-21T22:59:00.002-04:00

You can't believe how happy I am that Spring is here. I get so down and depressed in the Winter. Only 3 more months till we can start trying to have a baby again. We have to be extra careful this time of year though. I seem to be able to get pregnant this time of year. I think my body knows it is spring and it gets all twitterpaited.I wouldn't mind if I happened to get a big fat positive but I promised the Dr. that we would be careful and not do anything babywise till after 6 months. I will have to be winged off of the meds they have me on before we can start trying. June can not get here soon enough.

We have decided to call Monday and see about being Foster Parents. There was an add in our local paper that said they needed them badly in our local area. We have a home with 2 Spare rooms and an extra bathroom. A nice big yard and lots of kids to play with in our neighborhood. Daryl loves to fish and I go with him. We have a great dog... All we can do is call and try. My Step-Grandma has fostered though this agency before and also adopted and I hope she can help us get approved.

I'll update as soon as we know something.

Thank you God for Spring! I can breathe now! I feel like I was holding my breathe for the whole Winter.

Just thoughts...

2009-02-02T02:55:00.002-05:00

I haven't been blogging at all for a while. I have been in a deep dark funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. I feel like every time I try to find answers why we can't get pregnant again I keep getting the same answer... We Don't Know... I'm so tired of that answer. I want something different. I want to know why.

I want to be a mother so bad and I can't... I crave that like an addict craves cocaine. I day dream about the family we should have. I dream about the children we have lost . I grieve everyday. Some days I feel like I can't go on with out my babies.

I cry a lot. I sleep a lot.. I get angry.

Does it help? NO

Nothing seems to help. I wish this blog could be all happy and fun but I can't write that right now. The pain and darkness in my heart won't let me.

I replay in my mind over the years what could I have done so bad that I am being punished. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and hurt people before. I have asked for forgiveness. Maybe I'm missing something.

I pray,beg and plead for God to send us a baby. Maybe I'm not doing it loud enough?

I have to get out of this funk before I let it tear Daryl and I apart. It is not fair to him to have me upset all the time and not be the person he fell in love with. I hate what I must be doing to him. I wonder why he stays..

It has to be love. If it was me... I would have walked away a long time ago.

For that I am grateful.

The waiting game.

2008-12-30T03:28:00.002-05:00

Why does time move so slow when you are waiting on news? It seems like it has been forever since I was at the DR.s last and I still have not received a call from him.

Our family is not complete. We want a baby so bad and we just don't understand why we can't. My heart aches for a child.

I miss our 3 children so much. Christmas morning is so sad here in this home. We sleep in late and we never exchange gifts. Christmas is for children. The thrill is seeing what Santa has left. Santa does not stop at our house. I pray next year he will be able to stop. I pray God will give us a child to love and care for. We know something is missing in our lives. It is the sounds our our babies laughing playing on Christmas morning. Seeing their eyes light up when they see Santa's footprints that have been left on the carpet by the fireplace. The half ate carrots that Rudolf only had time to eat. The frantic phone calls to the Grandparents to tell them what was left for them.

Why? Why are we left out? Why was we chosen to have our babies born in heaven? Why couldn't God let us keep one of them? Why did he take them all away?

Would we have been that bad of parents?

I guess only time will tell. Till then it is back to the waiting game.

Update on Dr. Appt.

2008-12-07T09:20:00.002-05:00

Well I went back to my Obgyn on Dec.5th. We talked for a bit and he decided to get all my blood work from my Oncologist so he can go over what he did. He said we would talk next week about what meds he would put me on. I think he is hoping that the test the Oncologist did would help answer why I keep miscarrying. I told him the Dr. said he didn't see anything but he said there was a chance he might have not realized a result from a test was the answer to the whole big question.. WHY?

I feel in my heart we will have a new baby in our arms this time next year. I can feel this deep down. One way or another. God will answer so many prayers that have been sent up. He has to,Right?

I want to Thank all my Internet "Sisters" who have tried to make this dream of ours come true. I never knew so many people cared about two people they have never met in real life so much. We have truly been blessed by all of you and Our baby will be so lucky to have so many Aunts.

I am lucky to have so many sisters. From the kind words that have been sent and the "gifts" I know how much we are loved and how everyone wants to see us happy.

All of you will be blessed in your own lives. You don't meet special people like all of you everyday. I am so lucky for having you in my life.

November 22,2008

2008-11-22T22:52:00.002-05:00

My dear little one,

You would have been born on Monday. Two days from now I would have held you in my arms and seen your smile for the very first time. I would have counted all your fingers and toes. Daddy and I would have fussed about who you looked more like and your Grandparents would have swore it was them. You would have been at our Thanksgiving dinner and everyone would have oooh and ahhhed over you.

But God needed you more than we did. He needed a special angel in heaven. I know you are up there with your brothers or sisters and you are watching over Daddy and I. If you have a chance will you please send us a baby to love? We promise we will never stop loving you or your siblings. My heart hurts everyday for all of you.

My dear little one. Mommy misses you and I love you so much. I am proud of the work you are doing in heaven.Tell Mamaw Judy, Papaw Wavie and Big Big Granny we said hello. We will see them one day.

All our love,
Mommy and Daddy

I found this tonight.

2008-10-18T01:23:00.002-04:00

This was so sweet and I had to add it here. I am a Mom. No matter what anyone says.My children maybe in Heaven now but I will always be their Mommy.

October 17,2008

2008-10-17T10:55:00.004-04:00

I never knew how many tears that I could shed over the loss of our babies. I greve each day for our small children who never got to meet us. I still don't undertand why this keeps happening. I should be happy right now. I should be up with my children and cuddleing them on the couch and getting ready to fix lunch for them. Instead I'm still in my pj's sheading more tears for them. All I want is to feel my babies breath on my cheek instead of tears everyday.

I miss you my dear little babies. Your Mommy misses you so much and so does Daddy.

October 8,2008

2008-10-09T01:39:00.000-04:00

We went to the DR. yesterday. He had good news. Everything was fine. All genetic testing came back normal. He said there is nothing genetic causing the miscarriages. I was kinda disappointed tho. I was hoping he would say here is the problem and this is how we fix it.He said he felt the same way. I didn't want anything wrong with me .. I just wanted answers.He gave us the go ahead. Also if we don't get pregnant in a few months Daryl may need the genetic testing also. He is laid off right now and has no insurance. There is no way we could afford all this genetic testing out of pocket.

I did get some information about adoption. We are going to read over it this week and decide if that is what we are going to do.

Some days I dream I go open my front door and someone has left a baby and a note telling us to raise the baby. Everyday I open it and nothing but the stray cat we feed is sitting there.

We want a baby so bad.It is like our family is not complete with out one. My heart aches for a baby. Days get closer to my due date with our last one and I get sad. So sad I want to curl up in a ball and make the world go away. I see babies on TV or on the message board and I get little twinges in my heart. I know I'm suppose to be a Mommy. That is my purpose in life.

Why won't God answer my prayers? I beg him and plead with him. Some days I feel like he has put me on ignore. I know God doesn't do that,it just feels like it some days.

He answers my prayers. He really does. Just not this one. Am I asking to much? Will he take away all the blessings he has given me if he answers this one?

I'll put it out there for everyone to read. God I pray you will bless us with a child to love and to complete our family. I pray you bless our lives with your love and guidance and if a child is not in your plans I pray you help me understand that and you heal my broken heart. Thank you for all you have given to us.We take nothing for granted.

September 30

2008-09-30T23:06:00.000-04:00

Nothing new has been going on here in our lives. We went on a short vacation to Cherokee,NC to go fishing. I didn't catch anything. Daryl caught one trout. We gave it to someone else when we left. I was not bringing home one small trout.

On October 7th I will get the test results back from the 12 tubes of blood the Hematologist took 2 weeks ago. I'm praying he can find an answer to why I keep miscarrying.

We had stopped trying for a while and Daryl has said he thinks it is time we start again. I'm willing to try. God won't give us anything we can't handle.

I get sad thinking I would have been 7 months preg. right now and would be having baby showers and getting the room ready. I look in the spare room and it is 1/2 painted and empty. It has been that way since we lost the last baby. Someday I will get myself together and finish painting it. Maybe I will make it into my craft room.

Thanks to my dear friend Melynda I am learning to scrapbook and make cards. She is doing her best to teach me all the way across the state. We email a lot. Boy does she have Patience. I'm a slow learner. But I am trying my best.

I promise to update as soon as I hear from the Doc. I hope he has good news for us.

September 2008

2008-09-18T01:25:00.000-04:00

On September 16 th I went to a Oncologist/Hematologist. I have had an abnormal White blood cell count for over a year now. I had a bone marrow biopsy to rule out Leukemia. We are still on the fence for that one. So far it has come back negative. The Dr. asked us if we had been trying to conceive again. I told him right now we are on hold. He offered to run some tests to see if he could figure out why I keep miscarrying. After 12 tubes of blood I will go back in 3 weeks and see if he can tell me why.There has to be a reason.

I am not a bad person. I don't' understand why I keep getting punished. Why can I not hold my 3 babies in my arms? Why can't I sing them to sleep? Why can't their Dad teach them how to fish? Why did I never get a chance to prove I can be a good parent?

It makes me so angry when I hear of children being mistreated or killed. Why can their parents have them and hurt them and I can't have one to love and care for? What did I do so wrong and they do so right?

Did I say something to hurt someone a long time ago? Did I cut someone off in traffic? Did I cuss to much when I stubbed my toe? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

I pray God blesses me and in the same breath I ask why.

My heart is hurting so much right now. Writing all this down for the world has brought it back to the front of my mind. I have kept this all bottled up inside for so long and I feel like I can take a deep breath for once.

I am shedding tears I have held back.I would never wish this pain on anyone.

March 2008

2008-09-18T01:03:00.000-04:00

I had a check-up at my family Dr. I told her I wasn't feeling well and she did blood work. She asked when my last period was and I told her I wasn't sure. I stopped writing it down. I wasn't charting anymore. Didn't care if I got it or not. Well low and behold it came back that I was Pregnant again. 4 weeks this time.

She sent me to a high risk Dr. this time and I went in for blood work every 2 days. Everything was fine except my progesterone. It was low. I started on meds. All was good. HCG was going up great. Progesterone was staying up. This time Baby was going to stick.

I went in for an ultra sound at 5 weeks. We had a sac and fetal pole. Everything was right on time. This was it. I was going to have my baby I wanted so bad.

I had more blood work for the next 2 weeks. Numbers kept going up!

During this time Daryl's Uncle who had helped raise him passed away. We didn't get to tell him he was going to be a great Uncle. Daryl was so sad. His Mom lived with her Brother and Sister and they were heart broken too. His Aunt never married and neither had his Uncle. They had lived together for over 60 years. Daryl wanted to tell his Mom and Aunt to help cheer them up.
His Mom broke down and cried and said She couldn't go thu this again. She said she knew we couldn't do it either. The last 2 almost tore us apart. We assured her all was good and we would be going in a week to see the baby and the heartbeat. She was at ease then.

We knew Uncle Clyde would watch over us and keep this baby safe.

The day of the ultra sound I was 7 almost 8 weeks along. Dr. started the ultra sound and got real quite. He kept moving the wand and kept looking at the screen. He finished up and I asked what was wrong. He told us he could not find anything. My heart dropped. I started to cry right there on the table. Not again!I told him my numbers were going up. He was wrong. He went and got another Dr. who did another scan. Nothing. Just an empty sac.

At that point in time I wanted to die. If I could have crawled in a corner I would have. They both had to be wrong. My numbers were high. I did everything I was suppose to do. Why are they lying to me?

My Baby had died again. 3 babies 3 years. This was not fair.

I went for blood work and it came back as 35 it was all over.

On April 14,2008 my baby went to heaven to be with it's siblings.

I did not tell my family this time. They still don't know.

May 2007

2008-09-18T00:41:00.001-04:00

I woke up one morning just not feeling right. I knew something was up. I ran to the bathroom and grabbed one of the many HPT that I had and peed. I was so afraid to look. As soon as I saw 2 lines I came and posted on the Bargain Board. I knew if there was 2 lines the ladies there would see it. Sure enough they saw them also. I was so happy. I called my Dr. and got in that morning for a blood test. It was Positive! I was only about 3 weeks along and everything looked good. I was told to come back in 3 weeks for an ultrasound. She said it was to soon to see anything and all it would do was worry me. So off I went. I was busting at the seams when Daryl came home from work. I showed him the HPT and his jaw drooped.We decided to keep this one a secret till after I was 6 weeks.

I went for my ultrasound and nothing could be found but the sac and fetal pole. No heartbeat again. My heart sank. Dr. told me not to worry that sometimes you can have and ultrasound one day and not see anything and the next see it all. I was told to come back at 8 weeks. She didn't give me my pic that time. She said we would have a better one in 2 weeks. I was ok with that.

June 7th was Daryl's Mom's birthday. We decided to wrap up a few baby things and see if she could figure it out. She had moved back from Florida by then. She was so happy. She cried and couldn't wait to go with us to see her grand baby.My parents were a little happy this time. I think they realized they hurt my feelings real bad. Don't get me wrong they weren't jumping for joy but they seemed happy for us. We told them on June 10th.

All was well until 3 days before my next appt. I started spotting. Not much just a little and I called the Dr. office. They said if it wasn't heavy just wait till I was suppose to come in. That was on a Friday. June 17th Fathers day We lost our second baby.

I was so sad for Daryl. My heart broke for him. I was hurting but his baby died on Fathers day.

This time I was so angry. Why did this happen again? What did I do that was so bad I had to be punished?

We went thru tests then. No one could tell me why this happened again. They said it is just something that happens and we don't always know why. I wanted to know why. Why me? Why Daryl?

We questioned if we should even be together. Maybe this was Gods way of telling us we wasn't right for each other. It took a toll on us. We almost split. I was angry and I took it out on him. I shouldn't have but He was here.

We took some time off and said we wasn't gonna try again. We got fooled!

August 10,2005

2008-09-18T00:22:00.000-04:00

I had a Dr. appt. and when the Dr. did another ultrasound he could not find a heartbeat. I made him look 3 times. I could not believe this. We had tried for so long and why was God taking our baby away from us. The Dr. told me we could go and have a D&C that afternoon or we could do a drug called Cycotec. I opted for the drug. I did not want to end up in the hospital and have to explain to everyone why I was there. I made the wrong choice. The Cycotec put me into labor. I was having contractions every 5 mins. Then every 3 min. Then when I was at 2 mins I told Daryl I didn't feel well. I stood up and gushed blood. He then called my DR. and he said to get me to the ER now. We went and I was admitted. The meds started me to hemorrhage. I was in so much pain and loosing blood and had no baby to show for all of this.

I came home the next day and made the phone calls I never thought I would have to make. Daryl's side of the family was so great. They called and made sure I was ok. His Mom was living in Florida at the time she was so hurt she couldn't be here for us.

My family was totally different. They told me it was for the best. With my weight I probably couldn't carry it anyway and Something must have been wrong with it anyway or I wouldn't have lost it. My heart was broke. I didn't need to hear that. I just lost my baby. The baby I thought I would never have and was so excited to be carrying. I know they didn't mean it. They just said what they thought I needed to hear.

I cried for days and slept a lot. I hated going back to the Dr. office because it was full of happy ladies who had their babies safe inside. I questioned God a lot. I asked why I was being punished. Then I begged him to give my baby back.

It took 2 years but God listened.

From the moment I met him I knew.

2008-09-17T17:06:00.000-04:00

Daryl and I met in 2001.We kinda was set up and really did know each other. But I knew from that very moment in time he was the one. He was so kind and loving. It took him 2 months before he would even kiss me. At the time we both were dating other people so we had a lot of thinking to do. After a few weeks we decided we had to be together. I had never had a mixed race relationship before so we hid it from my family for almost a year. I knew they would not agree. After a trip to Missouri we were on our way home and a car ran out in front of us. A friend of ours was driving and we t-boned the other car. I was hurt real bad. Thank God Daryl was in the back seat and was fine. I was taken to the hospital where my family was called. A cop there knew my family well and made the announcement about Daryl and I. Needless to say my family was irate. They told me to stop dating him. Did I listen. No! I was in love. We didn't push anything with them until the next Thanksgiving. I told them I would not be there unless Daryl could come. They gave in and the rest is history.After they met him the slowly realized what I saw in him. He is loved by everyone in the family and he loves them too. His family has always accepted me. I love them with all my heart.

After 2 years Daryl asked me to marry him on April Fools Day. I was washing dishes and he came in and said "will you marry me?' I said "sure,April Fools right?" He said "no" After that crazy proposal we decided to look for a house. We found the one we liked to start out in and moved in on March 15,2004.

We had talked about having children and we started on Clomid. We did that for 6 months and it didn't work. We gave up. Decided it wasn't meant to be.

The next 4th of July came a huge surprise. I didn't feel well but I still cooked. I couldn't eat and had to lay down for a bit before the fireworks. The next few weeks I never felt good. Never hit me I was pregnant. I mean why would I be Clomid didn't work a year before. How could I be?

On August 1,2005 Daryl rushed me to the ER over really bad pains in my right side. We were thinking it was a ruptured ovary from the Clomid. Even tho I had been off it for months. Little did I know I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was ecstatic. I had my first ultrasound that night and we called everyone we knew. God had finally blessed us. We wasn't even expecting a miracle. We got it anyway.

10 days later the worst would happen.

I'm jumping in and trying this blog thing.

2008-09-17T11:42:00.000-04:00

I want to thank all who asked for this blog. I'm gonna try my best at it and keep everyone up to date on what is going on. Please give me some time to figure out how to do this and I'll be posting like mad.