Just thoughts...

I haven't been blogging at all for a while. I have been in a deep dark funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. I feel like every time I try to find answers why we can't get pregnant again I keep getting the same answer... We Don't Know... I'm so tired of that answer. I want something different. I want to know why.

I want to be a mother so bad and I can't... I crave that like an addict craves cocaine. I day dream about the family we should have. I dream about the children we have lost . I grieve everyday. Some days I feel like I can't go on with out my babies.

I cry a lot. I sleep a lot.. I get angry.

Does it help? NO

Nothing seems to help. I wish this blog could be all happy and fun but I can't write that right now. The pain and darkness in my heart won't let me.

I replay in my mind over the years what could I have done so bad that I am being punished. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and hurt people before. I have asked for forgiveness. Maybe I'm missing something.

I pray,beg and plead for God to send us a baby. Maybe I'm not doing it loud enough?

I have to get out of this funk before I let it tear Daryl and I apart. It is not fair to him to have me upset all the time and not be the person he fell in love with. I hate what I must be doing to him. I wonder why he stays..

It has to be love. If it was me... I would have walked away a long time ago.

For that I am grateful.

The waiting game.

Why does time move so slow when you are waiting on news? It seems like it has been forever since I was at the DR.s last and I still have not received a call from him.

Our family is not complete. We want a baby so bad and we just don't understand why we can't. My heart aches for a child.

I miss our 3 children so much. Christmas morning is so sad here in this home. We sleep in late and we never exchange gifts. Christmas is for children. The thrill is seeing what Santa has left. Santa does not stop at our house. I pray next year he will be able to stop. I pray God will give us a child to love and care for. We know something is missing in our lives. It is the sounds our our babies laughing playing on Christmas morning. Seeing their eyes light up when they see Santa's footprints that have been left on the carpet by the fireplace. The half ate carrots that Rudolf only had time to eat. The frantic phone calls to the Grandparents to tell them what was left for them.

Why? Why are we left out? Why was we chosen to have our babies born in heaven? Why couldn't God let us keep one of them? Why did he take them all away?

Would we have been that bad of parents?

I guess only time will tell. Till then it is back to the waiting game.

Update on Dr. Appt.

Well I went back to my Obgyn on Dec.5th. We talked for a bit and he decided to get all my blood work from my Oncologist so he can go over what he did. He said we would talk next week about what meds he would put me on. I think he is hoping that the test the Oncologist did would help answer why I keep miscarrying. I told him the Dr. said he didn't see anything but he said there was a chance he might have not realized a result from a test was the answer to the whole big question.. WHY?

I feel in my heart we will have a new baby in our arms this time next year. I can feel this deep down. One way or another. God will answer so many prayers that have been sent up. He has to,Right?

I want to Thank all my Internet "Sisters" who have tried to make this dream of ours come true. I never knew so many people cared about two people they have never met in real life so much. We have truly been blessed by all of you and Our baby will be so lucky to have so many Aunts.

I am lucky to have so many sisters. From the kind words that have been sent and the "gifts" I know how much we are loved and how everyone wants to see us happy.

All of you will be blessed in your own lives. You don't meet special people like all of you everyday. I am so lucky for having you in my life.

November 22,2008

My dear little one,

You would have been born on Monday. Two days from now I would have held you in my arms and seen your smile for the very first time. I would have counted all your fingers and toes. Daddy and I would have fussed about who you looked more like and your Grandparents would have swore it was them. You would have been at our Thanksgiving dinner and everyone would have oooh and ahhhed over you.

But God needed you more than we did. He needed a special angel in heaven. I know you are up there with your brothers or sisters and you are watching over Daddy and I. If you have a chance will you please send us a baby to love? We promise we will never stop loving you or your siblings. My heart hurts everyday for all of you.

My dear little one. Mommy misses you and I love you so much. I am proud of the work you are doing in heaven.Tell Mamaw Judy, Papaw Wavie and Big Big Granny we said hello. We will see them one day.

All our love,
Mommy and Daddy

I found this tonight.

This was so sweet and I had to add it here. I am a Mom. No matter what anyone says.My children maybe in Heaven now but I will always be their Mommy.

October 17,2008

I never knew how many tears that I could shed over the loss of our babies. I greve each day for our small children who never got to meet us. I still don't undertand why this keeps happening. I should be happy right now. I should be up with my children and cuddleing them on the couch and getting ready to fix lunch for them. Instead I'm still in my pj's sheading more tears for them. All I want is to feel my babies breath on my cheek instead of tears everyday.


I miss you my dear little babies. Your Mommy misses you so much and so does Daddy.

October 8,2008

We went to the DR. yesterday. He had good news. Everything was fine. All genetic testing came back normal. He said there is nothing genetic causing the miscarriages. I was kinda disappointed tho. I was hoping he would say here is the problem and this is how we fix it.He said he felt the same way. I didn't want anything wrong with me .. I just wanted answers.He gave us the go ahead. Also if we don't get pregnant in a few months Daryl may need the genetic testing also. He is laid off right now and has no insurance. There is no way we could afford all this genetic testing out of pocket.

I did get some information about adoption. We are going to read over it this week and decide if that is what we are going to do.

Some days I dream I go open my front door and someone has left a baby and a note telling us to raise the baby. Everyday I open it and nothing but the stray cat we feed is sitting there.

We want a baby so bad.It is like our family is not complete with out one. My heart aches for a baby. Days get closer to my due date with our last one and I get sad. So sad I want to curl up in a ball and make the world go away. I see babies on TV or on the message board and I get little twinges in my heart. I know I'm suppose to be a Mommy. That is my purpose in life.

Why won't God answer my prayers? I beg him and plead with him. Some days I feel like he has put me on ignore. I know God doesn't do that,it just feels like it some days.

He answers my prayers. He really does. Just not this one. Am I asking to much? Will he take away all the blessings he has given me if he answers this one?

I'll put it out there for everyone to read. God I pray you will bless us with a child to love and to complete our family. I pray you bless our lives with your love and guidance and if a child is not in your plans I pray you help me understand that and you heal my broken heart. Thank you for all you have given to us.We take nothing for granted.