Saturday, March 21, 2009

Spring is here!

You can't believe how happy I am that Spring is here. I get so down and depressed in the Winter. Only 3 more months till we can start trying to have a baby again. We have to be extra careful this time of year though. I seem to be able to get pregnant this time of year. I think my body knows it is spring and it gets all twitterpaited.I wouldn't mind if I happened to get a big fat positive but I promised the Dr. that we would be careful and not do anything babywise till after 6 months. I will have to be winged off of the meds they have me on before we can start trying. June can not get here soon enough.

We have decided to call Monday and see about being Foster Parents. There was an add in our local paper that said they needed them badly in our local area. We have a home with 2 Spare rooms and an extra bathroom. A nice big yard and lots of kids to play with in our neighborhood. Daryl loves to fish and I go with him. We have a great dog... All we can do is call and try. My Step-Grandma has fostered though this agency before and also adopted and I hope she can help us get approved.

I'll update as soon as we know something.

Thank you God for Spring! I can breathe now! I feel like I was holding my breathe for the whole Winter.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Just thoughts...

I haven't been blogging at all for a while. I have been in a deep dark funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. I feel like every time I try to find answers why we can't get pregnant again I keep getting the same answer... We Don't Know... I'm so tired of that answer. I want something different. I want to know why.

I want to be a mother so bad and I can't... I crave that like an addict craves cocaine. I day dream about the family we should have. I dream about the children we have lost . I grieve everyday. Some days I feel like I can't go on with out my babies.

I cry a lot. I sleep a lot.. I get angry.

Does it help? NO

Nothing seems to help. I wish this blog could be all happy and fun but I can't write that right now. The pain and darkness in my heart won't let me.

I replay in my mind over the years what could I have done so bad that I am being punished. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and hurt people before. I have asked for forgiveness. Maybe I'm missing something.

I pray,beg and plead for God to send us a baby. Maybe I'm not doing it loud enough?

I have to get out of this funk before I let it tear Daryl and I apart. It is not fair to him to have me upset all the time and not be the person he fell in love with. I hate what I must be doing to him. I wonder why he stays..

It has to be love. If it was me... I would have walked away a long time ago.

For that I am grateful.