Monday, February 2, 2009

Just thoughts...

I haven't been blogging at all for a while. I have been in a deep dark funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. I feel like every time I try to find answers why we can't get pregnant again I keep getting the same answer... We Don't Know... I'm so tired of that answer. I want something different. I want to know why.

I want to be a mother so bad and I can't... I crave that like an addict craves cocaine. I day dream about the family we should have. I dream about the children we have lost . I grieve everyday. Some days I feel like I can't go on with out my babies.

I cry a lot. I sleep a lot.. I get angry.

Does it help? NO

Nothing seems to help. I wish this blog could be all happy and fun but I can't write that right now. The pain and darkness in my heart won't let me.

I replay in my mind over the years what could I have done so bad that I am being punished. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and hurt people before. I have asked for forgiveness. Maybe I'm missing something.

I pray,beg and plead for God to send us a baby. Maybe I'm not doing it loud enough?

I have to get out of this funk before I let it tear Daryl and I apart. It is not fair to him to have me upset all the time and not be the person he fell in love with. I hate what I must be doing to him. I wonder why he stays..

It has to be love. If it was me... I would have walked away a long time ago.

For that I am grateful.