Monday, February 2, 2009

Just thoughts...

I haven't been blogging at all for a while. I have been in a deep dark funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. I feel like every time I try to find answers why we can't get pregnant again I keep getting the same answer... We Don't Know... I'm so tired of that answer. I want something different. I want to know why.

I want to be a mother so bad and I can't... I crave that like an addict craves cocaine. I day dream about the family we should have. I dream about the children we have lost . I grieve everyday. Some days I feel like I can't go on with out my babies.

I cry a lot. I sleep a lot.. I get angry.

Does it help? NO

Nothing seems to help. I wish this blog could be all happy and fun but I can't write that right now. The pain and darkness in my heart won't let me.

I replay in my mind over the years what could I have done so bad that I am being punished. I know I'm not perfect. I know I made mistakes and hurt people before. I have asked for forgiveness. Maybe I'm missing something.

I pray,beg and plead for God to send us a baby. Maybe I'm not doing it loud enough?

I have to get out of this funk before I let it tear Daryl and I apart. It is not fair to him to have me upset all the time and not be the person he fell in love with. I hate what I must be doing to him. I wonder why he stays..

It has to be love. If it was me... I would have walked away a long time ago.

For that I am grateful.

3 comments:

Mom2Max&Alex said...

Krista, are you on any meds for depression? That can also affect TTC. There are plenty that are safe for taking while pregnant so you wouldn't have to worry. I think it might help you in many ways. I followed your story on BBC and I cry for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Just letting you know I'm thinking of you!

rollercoasterfamilylife said...

Krista,
you are such a kind & tender hearted woman. please know that God hasn't forgotten you. He loves you. Have faith that He will take care of you.

Please don't be afraid to tell your doctor what you're going through. Hugs to you sweetie!

-Irish :)

rycarjam said...

Krista,
I just want to give you a big hug and tell you it's all going to be okay! I know that doesn't really help, but I wish it could.
I'm thinking of you and if you ever want to chat I'm here and have felt the same way about being punished only for different reasons. It's NOT the case and you have to make yourself stop thinking that way.
I will say lots and lots of prayers for you.
Kellie