Thursday, September 18, 2008

September 2008

On September 16 th I went to a Oncologist/Hematologist. I have had an abnormal White blood cell count for over a year now. I had a bone marrow biopsy to rule out Leukemia. We are still on the fence for that one. So far it has come back negative. The Dr. asked us if we had been trying to conceive again. I told him right now we are on hold. He offered to run some tests to see if he could figure out why I keep miscarrying. After 12 tubes of blood I will go back in 3 weeks and see if he can tell me why.There has to be a reason.

I am not a bad person. I don't' understand why I keep getting punished. Why can I not hold my 3 babies in my arms? Why can't I sing them to sleep? Why can't their Dad teach them how to fish? Why did I never get a chance to prove I can be a good parent?

It makes me so angry when I hear of children being mistreated or killed. Why can their parents have them and hurt them and I can't have one to love and care for? What did I do so wrong and they do so right?

Did I say something to hurt someone a long time ago? Did I cut someone off in traffic? Did I cuss to much when I stubbed my toe? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

I pray God blesses me and in the same breath I ask why.

My heart is hurting so much right now. Writing all this down for the world has brought it back to the front of my mind. I have kept this all bottled up inside for so long and I feel like I can take a deep breath for once.

I am shedding tears I have held back.I would never wish this pain on anyone.

8 comments:

Kira said...

You didn't do ANYTHING sweety! You're a wonderful person who's going to find a simple easy reason this is happening and you'll get your baby. I can feel it. You've got babies waiting to be born and angels in heaven who want to see you happy they love you so much!

My3Ro's said...

Wow Krista you are a very strong woman. You have done nothing wrong with these babie's you are a awesome lady and some day your miracle will come. I feel it in my bones. You are very blessed one day soon you will be a mother a darn good one compared to most and your child will be very fortunate to have 3 angel siblings watching over you. Please keep us updated hon. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Lacy Rose said...

You are a VERY strong mama!
I look forward to keeping up with your blog.
(((hugs)))

Lisa said...

I love the picture of you and your husband. You look like an amazing couple!

(((hugs)))

Please don't give up. You've got a lot of mamas sending you baby vibes...it's going to work!

mrskatybug said...

I think if I had the answer to why, I'd probably have a lot more peace as well - we lost our first one after 3 1/2 years of trying - blighted ovum. We then lost our second one 5 months later due to a chromosomal problem. I wasn't able to get pregnant again after that. 5 years after it all started - we adopted :) We now have a beautiful baby girl that came home at the end of July. Gladney has an awesome AA and biracial program (that's where our daughter came from) and I can highly recommend them.

Best wishes as you continue on this journey...

Katy

Carol said...

I'm so glad you started this blog.Your story and beautiful picture have touched my heart on the BHB. I have been in your shoes and was terribly frustrated by both infertility, then multiple miscarriages. Someone very wise told me it was ok to question God when we don't understand, and if we don't, then we're not in an authentic relationship with Him.

I would play this one song over and over again in my car and just cry. All of my friends were having babies and it was tough. We questioned why people who didn't want babies were having them. I understand your pain. Hang in there! For us, we finally figured out what was causing the problem and we did get a healthy baby boy.(once we'd given up and started filling out adoption papers!) And just know that one day you'll get to hold your angels in Heaven and they'll know you are their momma!

(((Hugs)))

Desiree said...

Krista, I am so sorry about your losses and difficulty conceiving. I know there can be many reasons for both but I try to let people know about what happened to me. I don't have time right now to tell the whole story but if you go to NBBC and search for "Silent Gluten Sensitivity Causes Infertility" you will find my post. Many people are gluten sensitive with no symptoms (and don't test positive for it-myself included) and it can cause infertility AND miscarriage. I hesitate to mention it to people as I don't want to give false hope but I am fed up with so many Drs knowing NOTHING about this. My screename over there is *~Desiree~*. I hope you have an answer (and a baby) very soon!

arieslove said...

You didn't do anything. I had 3mc before I had my first dc. I know how hard it can be. Hugs to you and your family. Let us know if there is ANYTHING we can do for you.