On September 16 th I went to a Oncologist/Hematologist. I have had an abnormal White blood cell count for over a year now. I had a bone marrow biopsy to rule out Leukemia. We are still on the fence for that one. So far it has come back negative. The Dr. asked us if we had been trying to conceive again. I told him right now we are on hold. He offered to run some tests to see if he could figure out why I keep miscarrying. After 12 tubes of blood I will go back in 3 weeks and see if he can tell me why.There has to be a reason.
I am not a bad person. I don't' understand why I keep getting punished. Why can I not hold my 3 babies in my arms? Why can't I sing them to sleep? Why can't their Dad teach them how to fish? Why did I never get a chance to prove I can be a good parent?
It makes me so angry when I hear of children being mistreated or killed. Why can their parents have them and hurt them and I can't have one to love and care for? What did I do so wrong and they do so right?
Did I say something to hurt someone a long time ago? Did I cut someone off in traffic? Did I cuss to much when I stubbed my toe? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
I pray God blesses me and in the same breath I ask why.
My heart is hurting so much right now. Writing all this down for the world has brought it back to the front of my mind. I have kept this all bottled up inside for so long and I feel like I can take a deep breath for once.
I am shedding tears I have held back.I would never wish this pain on anyone.
9 hours ago